an_identity (an_identity) wrote in ask_me_anything,

I'd like some opinions!

Me again! :)
Still in my age-gap relationship, still feeling a bit 'new' to this thing even though it has been a while!

My partner is really great to me. In terms of the "big things" (such as: accommodating to what I want despite it not being required of him, respect, love, faithfulness, compassion to my feelings, sensitivity...), he probably scores an A++++++, if that were to be a real letter grade. I can't think of one thing he could do better in those ways, and I am not exaggerating.

Now, there are "little things." These come off as vague in my descriptions, so I will give you a stupid example off the top of my head. I work in an office. A client came in and his wife was undergoing a procedure. He spoke to her in a tone that really suggested they were together and she asked him if he had chapstick and he said nope, but he'd run and buy her some. His tone was endearing and the eye contact they made was very genuine, certainly not superficial in my opinion!

It is the little things that I feel is missing from my relationship. My partner will not text me first (though he is 20 years older than I am! And I can understand that even having several years texting experience, it might still be a weird/pointless way to communicate. He says that writing is a poor way of personal communication.
When we joke and interact, he seems to observe my jokes more than he plays into them.
When we talk about our relationship, 8 to 9 times out of 10, it is me that brings it up. He will talk about it in GREAT DEPTH, to incredible degrees, but it is not him that will initiate that conversation!
Sexual activity is often initiated by me, as well, which I have explicitly told him I wish he would do more of.
Another example off the top of my head: whenever we do something together, like walk, or clean the kitchen, or something that doesn't involve driving, I am always the one who looks at him more. I make much greater eye contact even if he does not look at me.
I am also the one who says little things like how much I appreciate him (verbally) and I will make sexual references even if we can't have sex.
I also ask more questions, which to me, is a very personal thing and a very good way to find out people's opinions on things. I really value his opinion on everything and I make that known.

OK, whew! Now that I've said that, a few things also happen as a result of this! One, I feel 'annoying' to him. If you don't really understand that, imagine doing all I do often in very vocal, vibrant, loving ways and not really getting it back (he says he values it more than he can ever say - he values all I do and say and he loves it very dearly). You might think "why is he not doing it back, too? Am I just overdoing it? He does it less, therefore I must do it too much, therefore -- I must be annoying!" That is just emotional logic, not really actual intellectual thinking or anything, LOL.

Two, I end up feeling that no matter how much he loves and values my small tokens of affection, that I am not getting enough! I just feel sad and unhappy that I don't feel that magnitude of love. Like I said, he expresses his love in big ways.
This sometimes gives me frustrations, no matter how irrational they are. I am bad at dealing with frustrating things I find to feel fruitless (how many 'f's can I fit into one sentence?). This sometimes makes me feel like giving him the cold-shoulder, because in my eyes, I feel like he is giving me the cold-shoulder which I know he is NOT. Frustrating! Emotions!

Am I the best at the "big things"? To be very honest, no. I could do a lot better in the big things (which of course you can imagine will cause some grief for him! But life is a learning experience!). He is good at what I am poor at, and vice versa.

Obviously, I really love this dude (by "love" I mean "I feel burning feelings that I don't think I have ever felt for any human or previous partner before in my entire life!") and I REALLY do not want to leave him. He says the same about me. I want to marry him. I've introduced my parents to him, which is a long story, and they actually like him. I'm willing to overlook the age.

What do we do, or what can I do, to deal with this "little things" issue? I tried hard to articulate what the problem is, sorry if it came off as totally incoherent.

I know his personality type is different than mine. I know I am both emotionally needy and emotionally generous. He is different, but he understands me. It is frustrating to find myself in the best relationship of my life and to find a flaw that is preventing me from living out the happiness we could have. :(

Tags: dating & relationships
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