candycornsnake (candycornsnake) wrote in ask_me_anything,

Sexuality TMI stuff

So how fluid is sexuality in your opinion? The choice you make as a 15 year old...is that something you stay with forever because you know yourself...or because you never explored the idea again? *cut for size*

Serious discussion on sexuality that might be a bit TMI at times. Sorry. Responses really helpful.

Okay so I came out as a lesbian when I was 15. I did not date in high school. I had low self esteem and went to a VERY small school with not many other gay kids.

I went to college...and had trouble dating. My self esteem wasn't much better and I didn't know what to do to date really. I joined the Lesbian avengers and was horrified by how aggressive and angry they were. I joined the gay club and was pegged as a fag hag and no lesbians would even talk to me.

So at 20 years old at a summer job, I met someone who actually flirted with me. She was seeing someone else at the time, but dumped her for me. We stayed and lived together for NINE years. She cheated and we broke up.

Less than 5 months later I was on a reptile website and mentioned I was a single gay girl. I got a PM flirt...and you guessed it. We dated and lived together for 5 years. She fell in love with someone else and claimed I was her rebound relationship and she wanted something else in life.

So here I am single again.....and it makes me wonder more about myself.
I have always fantasied about bdsm...and usually with a guy! So the question is...am I bi? Am I straight and just always went with women because when I was 15 I said I was? I mean...I love boobs. I loved going down on the last woman (not so much the first honestly)....but I am not horrified by cock. I am curious as hell really.
God...bi-curious at my age and having been gay sooo long.

So now what? Do I try it? Do I find a casual play fuck and give a blow job and get fucked? I talked with the first ex about it. (hey...lesbians always keep talking to the ex) and she thinks I should. That I am single and free and able to play and try new things.
But I have had such a history of having one date and clinging for life. LOL!
If I say to myself this is just a casual game....can I do it? Should I? Would you?

Should I just stop this foolish behavior so soon after a major breakup...or should I go with the flow?
I actually thought about it before meeting the 2nd wife....but I met her before I ever got any further. A very small point in the back of my mind always regretted not trying it...so I guess that is my answer, but now...how?

My 1st ex says that finding a guy willing to fuck a lesbian who has never been with a man will be super easy, even as the pudgy thing that I am. But do I want that? I don't have any male friends to ask sadly. So without resorting to Craigslist...how does one just ask some guy...hey....want to fulfill my fantasy?

I joined a local bdsm group and I am going to a casual dinner munch group thing next week (if I get the balls to actually go)...and that could certainly lead to trying the bdsm fantasy I have, but should my first and possibly only male experience be more vanilla?

And am I being stupid? Is this one of those times when they say you should never change something major after a big break up? Or should I play and stop fretting and just enjoy myself and have a good time? It's just sex after all....right?

And last of all my worries....what if I really like it? (I will say the 2nd wife and I used a feeldoe almost exclusively (on me only) and I did enjoy that and get off easily. And 1st wife says that real is much better than rubber) What if I really like straight sex more? How do I get past years of being gay only to actually go straight? Can i even have a relationship with a guy? What will my family think? Lord....

Okay so that was a lot of rambling and whatnot...but real honest opinions would be wonderful. Did anyone else ever go through this? What would you do? Opinions? Views? Suggestions?

Thanks!
Tags: sex & sexual preferences, tmi
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